My deepest self

Being depressive is being sick. Depression is illness. And when I’m sick there’s plenty of stuff I want to do that I can’t do. And if I try to do it anyway, the result won’t be great.

From time to time, I feel sad, even with no reason. Even when having everything: a good job, some good friends, money or anything you can think of. My head turns black and I can't see the light. I like to pray in those moments. Sometimes I even cry.

The worst part of it is understanding when I'm depressed, I become the most selfish person ever. I don't care who and what feels. I just think of myself. Is the way it works, it blocks my mind.

As I grew up, I had a lot of struggle. Any teenager would struggle, but the variables are how strong you are and what kind of difficulty life brings you. Life happens. That is something we can't change. But as a depressive person, you think you can change when to end it.

I fight for my dreams. At least I try to. I have always dreamed of some things. I still remember when I wanted "to work in a small group, with a river view and using a Mac" and I can't forget my first day at R/GA Buenos Aires, in Puerto Madero, having everything. I was even near school so I could attend at night by walking. I was really happy. Normally, as long as you keep dreaming and achieving your dreams, you also keep thinking of new ones. So I did.

I wanted to have the experience of working offshore. In a place I've never been before. Luckily, my employer helped me relocate to Portland, OR. I'm hundred percent thankful for it, specially for people taking care of almost everything. But the pain I feel inside me from time to time, and that I naïvely thought it could dissapear, is still with me. I'm starting to realize wherever in the world I am, it will be with me.

It is quite complex to try to think positively when you feel the way I do, and being far from those who you love, far from a hug, makes things even harder. In my opinion, having someone closer wouldn't change much. Firstly because depression is your own fight, you can't assign someone else to fight it for you. Is not like fixing a bug. But today, one of my good days, I like to think you need to friend your demons, if you can't quit depression, just accept it will always be there. And let people you love know about it, in order to let them try to comprehend you in your dispair.

So far, my job hasn't been affected by my status. At least neither I can notice nor feedback about that was given to me. This is great, specially because I was able to do the tasks I had been assigned to do, even though my focusing ability was weak. It is part of being professional to keep it for yourself. Sure you can earn friends at work, but that requires some maturity in these cases – basically: knowing the boundaries of the context.

I have read several articles about depression and creative people but none can explain what you feel and when you feel it. My only advice is keep yourself alive. If you know drinking or taking drugs will drive you to do something stupid, just prevent that from happening. If you know walking down a bridge will frighten your brain, just stay at home. Rest. Eat. Keep going.